Films to watch whilst the world goes to hell in a hand cart

Some old guy died  and he made the news for having seen the most films in a lifetime.…and he kept a film diary to prove it. I watch shitloads of films, I thought…I could do that. If only I had started when I was a kid I could have maybe have given this dead guy a run for his money. But rather than lament the ones that got away I started to jot down my viewership from that moment forward , grading all films seen with a 0-5 rating. I am frequently asked for film recommendations and as my memory is not always on hand to provide the required information I figured a list might be quite useful..

That was a year ago. In the last 12 months I have watched just over 200 films…both at home and at the cinema, old and new, first timers and return journeys.  I have listed below any film that got a 4 or more (I have starred the ones that got a 5).  I would describe all of them as simply “worth seeing”. A film experience can be crushed under the weight of expectation..every time someone bigs up a film beyond all measure you can be fairly sure it will disappoint…

“Oh my god, its like totally amazing…it’s the best film you will EVER see. It is just incredible..you are gonna LOVE it! I guarantee it!”

..but somehow despite the guarantee..you don’t. Mainly cos you spend the whole film going..is this the best film I have ever seen? I don’ think so..even if its great it still can’t match what your impossibly high expectation and is consequently a let down. Its like if you know a film has a great twist you spend the entire film trying to work it out.  I actually avoid all reviews and trailers of films I know I want to see…I think the less you know about a film the better…and so I offer these recommendations with a modicum of restraint and have tried to not be overly effusive in my descriptions.

There is also the question of taste. This is indeed just my opinion. It may not be yours. I can’t possibly say that you will love what I love because everyone is different. It also depends how you are feeling at the time and whether you see a film in the cinema or on dvd, or on some dodgy file you downloaded. So I guess what I am politely saying is…don’t shoot the messanger..

I have also included the worst films (1 or less on rating system) I have seen as well as some are so bad they are almost worth seeing. I have to admit I probably watch as many bad films as good ones. I will even go as far as to watch a film just because I have heard it is so bad (revolver, swept away, battlefield earth etc). Strangely it is possible to really enjoy a truly awful film…you’re laughing at them rather than with them..(all bad films are essentially comedies despite their original intention) but you’re still laughing..which is more than can be said for most Hollywood comedies.

The lists are in no particular order other than the order I saw them in..

THE GOOD – lights out, no talking.

Goodbye Lenin – Cool commie comedy. Great premise. Beautifully shot.

Scott pilgrim vs the world – Underrated comic adaptation

Berlin calling – One flew over the cuckoos nest meets human traffic.

Evil Dead II * – Sam Raimi’s magnificent comedy horror. Spectacularly inventive.

Suspiria – Creepy kitch horror. The original black swan

Invasion of the body snatchers – Classic b movie 70s remake. Worth it for the Sutherland scream.

The Wave – Classroom experiment gets out of hand. Hyper-realistic drama

Atlantic City – Lancaster and Sarandon shine in Louis Malle’s superb gambling flick.

Four Lions – Chris Morris hysterically exposes modern terrorist hysteria.

I’m still here – Joaquin Phoenix delivers an incredible performance as himself..or is it? Discuss

Paranoid Park – Teen trauma perfectly captured in this atmospheric tale by Van Sant

Mr and Mrs Smith – Before becoming brangelina they were a cool as fuck assassin couple.

End of the Line – Scary doc about the collapse of the world fisheries.

Exit through the gift shop * – Magnificent mockumentary or documentary? ..you never can quite tell.

California split – A cool and funny Altman adventure from the 70s. He makes it look effortless.

The Social Network – Like this.

The Abyss – James Cameron puts everyone through hell…we get the benefits.

Army of darkness – One man and his chainsaw go on the rampage in medieval times. A joy to watch.

Poltergeist – Spielberg dishes up major frights in this hair-raising 80s horror.

Mash – More 70s Altman (had a mini season). Funny naturalistic satire punches much harder than tv show

Bladerunner * – The ultimate future vision. Faultless and inspirational.

Cronos – Highly original version vampire story by Guillaume del toro

The disappearance of Alice Creed – Low budget brit flick delivers thrills, twists and tension without leaving a room.

Fargo * – I was once accosted by a large bullish drunk man at a party who pointed his finger aggressively at my face and demanded to know..”The Coen brothers..like em or love em?” “Love! Love!” I retorted..which was apparently the right answer as he then hugged me and then chatted about the talented sibling duo…that’s how good they are.

A cock n bull story – Coogan and Brydon bring in the laughs in pre-cursor to The Trip.

Election – Two classic high scool films in one career..Matthew Broderick delivers again. Witherspoon was also never better as the relentless Tracy Flick

Ryan’s daughter – David Lean’s beautiful epic that was panned on release by idiot critics.

Monsters – Low budget monster flick with its own unique feel.

Peeping Tom * – Another masterpiece that was poorly received at the time, fuelled by the prudery of the era.

Martin – George A Romero’s brilliant unknown take on the Vampire genre.

Black Swan – Worth the hype. Scary, beautiful, tense as fuck.

The Reader – Gripping drama beautifully told

Machete – Nuns with guns. Killer nurses. blood, guts and Mexi-cans- Its exploitationtastic!

Young Frankenstein – still brings in the laughs after all these years. All time great parody.

The Medusa Touch – Richard Burton delivers omen style creepiness in this lesser known 7os horror.

Raising Arizona * – Like em or love em? Even in the very beginning there was cause for total adoration of the Coen bros. See Nicholas Cage before he was shite.

Westworld – Sci-fi classic. Genius premise brilliantly executed.

The diving bell  the butterfly – Coma cam. Tough viewing but gripping true story

The Hunger – Bowie bites in this stylish vamp story from a young tony scott.

Severance – A great brit horror comedy. Funny and frightening throughout.

Sin Nombre – Gang life in South America. Brutal but beautiful.

Catfish – Facebook frenzy. A very modern fable for our times.

Winter’s bone – Original, gripping, atmospheric thriller. Tension without action.

Into the wild – Haunting and beautiful true travel story. What happens when you leave the modern world…

District 9 – Finally..a completely original new sci-fi. Corker.

Rubber – Killer tyre on the loose…I kid you not.

127 hours – Compelling despite its restricted set-up. Franco’s on a rock. Boyle’s on a roll.

The Misfits – Monroe and Gable lead this class affair directed by John Huston.

The Game – Early Fincher brings home another cracking thriller.

Encounters at the end of the world – The guy with the fingers, insane penguins, bucket heads..everything Herzog does is worth seeing.

Cave of forgotten dreams (3d) – Herzog (see what I mean?)  brings understanding to the history of human creativity. Mental conclusion.

Another Year – Mike Leigh mines the trivial and banal obsessions of regular folk for poignant yet painful drama.

Animal kingdom – Disturbing Aussie crime story that never lets go of claustrophobic tension

Unthinkable – Gripping hardcore terrorist thriller that forces you to think for yourself.

The Driver – Cool 70s driving movie with Ryan O’Neil.

Black Dynamite – Seriously funny and very authentic parody of blaxploitation movies

The Class – A French classroom becomes a battleground. Everyone loses.

Submarine – A homage to films we don’t make anymore but definitely an argument for their resurrection.

Super 8 – Spielberg’s influence is all over this modern sci-fi but its all the better for it.

Enter the void – A modern mental masterpiece. Hardcore. Not for the feeble.

Rise of the planet of the apes – A reboot with a genuine purpose. Great addition to the franchise.

Lebanon – Tank cam. Submerses you inside the  action. Makes The hurt locker look like Pearl Harbour.

The Skin that I live in – Can Almodovar do no wrong? A b movie with a killer punch.

 

THE BAD- I want those hours back!

Mega Piranha – Bad on all fronts. 80s wash up Tiffany sets the standard. Laughed throughout.

Sky High – Gives Superheroes a bad name. Gut wrenchingly bad.

The Expendables – Cringeworthy dialogue from washed up 80s stars full of surgery and steroids

Dreamscape – Inception stole its plot but the filmmakers lost the plot in this waste of space sci-fi with dennis quaid.

The dukes of hazard – Worse than you can possibly imagine and I imagine that’s quite bad.

Dorian Gray – Pitifully inept.

Deadfall – Features one of the greatest over the top performances by Nic Cage. Atrocious

The Box – Richard Kelly proves Donnie darko was a fluke. Piss poor.

Che – The most boring overlong film I have ever seen – and that was just part 1!

X-files – I want to believe – I want to forget.

Alien Autopsy – Good premise. Diabolical execution. Ant and dec star and aren’t the worst things in it!

Law-abiding Citizen – Gerard Butler is ridiculous in this excrutiating mess of a movie.

The A-team – So painful we had to switch off. Avoid like your life depended on it.

Prince of Persia – Miscast. Misdirected. Please miss.

Driven – An utter joke from start to finish..line. Stallone stinker.

Hell Ride – So unbelievably bad its kinda worth seeing. Worst dialogue ever (see fanboy spoofs on film page)

Tron Legacy – The worst of the reboots. Meaningless.

The Green hornet – Has no idea what sort of film it wants to be and fails at all of them.

Chronicles of Riddick – Vin diesel shows how to make a sci-fi stinker that is eye-wateringly shite.

Limitless: – A monkey could have done better with the reasonably decent premise.

 

THE UGLY – (not exactly recommendations..more like warnings)

The human centipede – Eye-watering. highly original. Scares galore. Definitely not for the faint-hearted.

Salo – Shocking, disturbing and fairly digusting. Not designed for a delicate constitution…

Hobo with a shotgun – vile and pretty repulsive throughout. Not a pleasant experience. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn’t.

 

and there you have it…if you’re looking for things to watch you could do worse…that’s all I’m saying.