What do all the people in the shots this week have in common? Well nothing other than they are all sat down. This is actually not really to do with them. It’s actually all about me. Why? Because I am currently living life sat on the subs bench..and have been since I last did this blog. Actually, to be fair, I probably get the equivalent of one minute per game to shuffle around the pitch before being hauled off on a stretcher. It’s quite a frustrating way to live.
It takes forever for my body to recharge and then I am a spent force within a nanosecond and I then have to start the process all over again. Like filling up your car at the petrol station but instead of it taking a couple of minutes it takes a full week and then it will only get you to the end of the forecourt before conking out and then you have to then push it back to the pumps and start all over again. I am basically the never getting anywhere boulder pushing ancient Greek dude Sisyphus (encapsulated in glorious GIF form below for a visual on my current existence)
What is also beyond infuriating AKA driving me fucking nuts is that I am constantly yoyo-ing between relapse and recovery. I feel ok for a bit and then I overdo it and I am tossed back in the hole (which I have been in and out of 3 or 4 times since I have been away) And for the record, me overdoing it means doing something so inconsequential it probably wouldn’t even register to you as even doing anything at all. Like speaking
The worse thing is that each time I feel better I think this is it, I’m out, I’m in the clear, it’s all over..but invariably it isn’t and the merry go round continues. The disappointment is kinda crushing tbh. I have likened it to being on death row and getting a reprieve, but when you get to the gates they say, sorry mate, there’s been a mistake, you’ve got to go back in. And so you go back into your cell and await the next false reprieve and so on and so on..
And yet just like them old dumb boxers I keep getting knocked down but I keep getting up again (yes I have had a lot of time to think of analogies that describe my situation) Guess I just don’t know when to quit. I am currently on the ropes and getting a proper pummeling but I ain’t giving up just yet. In all honesty I haven’t started this blog up again because I was feeling better, I just need to do something as oppose to nothing..the relentless boredom coupled with not being creative was really starting to do me ‘ed in.
I actually read this great quote (thanks @verseandproseau) which has helped propel me back into action…
“If you do not answer the noise and urgency of your gifts, they will turn on you. Or drag you down with their immense sadness at being abandoned.” (Joy Harj)
And I have had quite enough of that as it is and it’s not just me either. The Long Covid community as a whole feels like it has been abandoned, dismissed, ignored and left to cope with a condition that has taken us all totally out of the game (back to the football analogy) and with no real way of knowing when or even if we will ever be back in play again…
Medical moan disclaimer: I share all this not for sympathetic gain but because most people now know somebody who has L.C and so I think it’s important to explain how much it affects us because on the outside we look sorta normal. And also, as it’s kinda dominating my life at present it means I’ve been up to sweet fuck all other than this crapola and therefore don’t really have anything else to report for now..but don’t fret, I haven’t returned just to make this a platform for my own misery..I will also use it to highlight other miseries such as impending climategeddon, war, the cost of living crisis and the never ending moral decline of this country..just to keep your spirits up..;)
Actually I might just stick to pics for a while..ease meself back in and all..