Babycakes Romero

03/07/201217/11/2012

Where’s Wei Wei?

In a world of fancy it was way up there. The worlds of art, fame, glamour and vast wealth had turned up to pay their respects to this year’s Serpentine Gallery Pavilion, created by Al Wei wei, Jacques Herzog and Pierre de Meuron. It was a big doo and never before had I seen quite such a glitzy and more visually interesting collection of glammed up people.

It did strike me as strange that art, which is supposed to be about depth and meaning attracts such a seemingly artificial and vacuous crowd. All eyes were on everyone else rather than the quite spectacular construction they were supposedly here to view.
Al Wei Wei is just “so hot right now” he had attracted the cream of the cream of all the highest eshcalons of life.

What was I doing there? I have a very cool girlfriend who has a very cool job and takes me to all the best doos that I have absolutely no business being at. I’m an official plus one and proud of it. Maybe one day I will actually be invited to a posh event myself but I’m not holding my breath and I kind of like being a plus 1..it feels like your gatecrashing somewhere you shouldn’t be and that’s quite appealing. And if ever there was a doo to go to, it was this one. …No. 1, Shi Shi Street, Swanksville U.K

I have always found art openings weird as they are always the least contusive environment to absorbing and appreciating the work on display. Too many people, too much noise. But it was a top notch party, so who cares right? I mean, if one of the artists can’t even be bothered to show up, does it really deserve our attention?

I am clearly making light of an artist’s epic struggle against an oppressive regime who are trying to suppress his work and freedom as much as is humanely possible and even though they have succeeded in the latter they are constantly being trounced on the former with this current collaboration being done entirely on skype. However, even if he could have made it to his own opening he might have seemed strangely incongruous amidst the glamorous crowd that had gathered supposedly in his honour, although did momentarily freak out when I almost thought I clocked him!

As everyone crooked their necks trying to catch glimpses of the most flamboyant or fame drenched individuals I did occasionally point and exclaim..No way way! Its Al Wei Wei!” and thus providing endless amounts of hilarity. I did also try to get the glitzy guests to raise their glasses to toast the absentee creator, which, although obliged, was met with a strange reticence, as if it was inappropriate to mention him or maybe they had just forgot what the fuck they were doing there. Based on the surrounding chat it did seem highly possibly that they didn’t even know why they were there in the first place.

The pavillion construction itself is stunning. From the inside, its like being inside a super cool Bond villain’s lair. The cork feels soft and smells delectable and the reflective water roof is pure brilliance. The overall effect is arresting but had anyone noticed? There was a very brief splash of rain and everyone ran into the pavillion for cover but rather than use the moment to have a closer look at the stunning architecture they used the opportunity to have a closer gawp at those surrounding them, ourselves included.

Were we here to view art or to view the guests? Everyone I spoke to seemed to comment on how fantastically upmarket everyone was but like the way people discuss traffic, failed to include themselves as being part of it. As we were all squinting trying to recognise the A listers surrounding us, it was highly possible, however unlikely, that other guests were doing exactly the same to us. We had made it to the top of the social strata and were rubbing shoulders with the beautiful people..well..sort of…

These people were not my world but they were absolutely brilliant to look at and it was quite apparent from the outfits on offer, that was what they wanted you to do and everyone was happy to oblige. They had clearly spent hours, possibly days getting ready and it would have been an insult to their hard efforts not to gawp at least a little bit. There was this strange feeling you were in a scene from a film and each person had been cast to create the ultimate posh art crowd.

Expensive cloth hung loosely on thin frames. Spiked heels you could kill with. Perfecto hairdos. Surgery enhanced cleavages. The women were clearly in competition for attention. But if you add up all the size zeros..do you still get zero? Its like the sound of one hand clapping…discuss.

The female guests did seem to be trying to win an unwinnable war, flaunting their wares whist hiding their insecurities. The male guests by contrast all seemed to delighted with themselves and appeared utterly convinced of their own superiority in comparison to those surrounding them.

And once again, all focus drifted away from the art as our attention was held by the other attendees. I don’t think I have ever seen a group of people who were so clearly dripping in cash. But this is what the art world is attracting. It has become such a major commodity it is now firmly entrenched in the arena of the stupidly wealthy who buy art because they know it will be a good investment but also because they are the only ones who can afford it.

The problem was it was just too good a party in too great a location and on too beautiful an evening. The event itself had overshadowed what it was actually an event for. Whoever was behind this had clearly decided they were going to go all out and put on a proper shindig. Everything was high end, top of the range..the greatest money could buy..but who was paying? And why commemorate art with such lavishness? Was it not contradictory to the intended meaning?

The consumables. for example were off the chart. I’m no foodie but the canapés were jaw-droppingly delicious…each one was indeed like a party in my mouth and all my tastebuds were invited. It was without a doubt the best tasting food I had ever had. And then there were the raspberry cocktails and the rhubarb vodka and the night got warmer and warmer and the reflection in the water got sharper and sharper and everyone got a little giddy and then Azeylia Banks came on dressed like a butterfly and then it really all kicked off.

Azeylia Banks is so hot right now (almost as hot as Al Wei Wei..and Hansel) and there she was in front of us…rockin out to a shi-shi art crowd who possibly had no clue who she was. But I did. I danced my socks off and watched as she transferred people’s marching powder from their lips firmly into their feet. I had a great bop to her set but I was really waiting for just one track..212..the greatest kick ass dance tune in a long, looong time. And it didn’t disappoint. As I bounced up and down to one of my favourite songs in the balmy summer’s night surrounded by such an incredible location I made a mental note to store this moment…its what Al would have wanted.

I had barely got over the excitement of Banks playing when 2manydjs hit the decks and transformed this, uptil then, fairly sedate doo into a full blown party. Their set seemed to coincide perfectly with most of the crowd’s inebriation. They had served up enough free flowing booze for the guests to drown themselves in and there was suddenly a packed dance floor and people were shaking their thing with an instant loss of interest in their previously meticulously maintained poise and appearance.

Many of the female guests who only hours ago had commanded such grace and glamour were now dragging their outlandishly expensive frocks around with carefree abandon, throwing themselves around as if they were in the mosh pit.

The remaining crowd were quite clearly all smashed but alcohol giveth but it also taketh away. It instills a greater confidence in one’s skill set whilst simultaneously diminishing said skills. Needless to say it got a bit messy.

A couple of overly-enthusiastic blonds clambered up and managed to get on top of the pavilion itself and started splashing around as if they were toddlers in a paddling pool. The drunk crowd cheered and egged them on. The security eventually got them down..its what Al would have wanted.

Soon it was all over but what a blast it had been. It was definitely the swankiest shi shi doo I had ever been to but if you took a moment to think about the dosh that had been spent on this one little shindig you would have choked on your potted calamari. The only double dip this lot would be experiencing would be if someone thrust their asparagus tip back into the garlic mayonaise!

It also seemed sad that the occasion had been lost in the occasion. It was probably best that Al hadn’t been able to make it. I don’t know him per say but it didn’t really look like his sort of thing. This is after all a man who grew up in a cave…a far cry from the luxury abodes the crowd he had attracted were returning to.

What’s the point of art? To try and bring sense and meaning to the insanity and triviality of our lives..and whilst I had enjoyed myself no end I did leave feeling that the paradoxes of the night’s proceedings made life feel both more trivial and more insane…now if I could taste just one more of the watermelon sushi everything would make sense…

25/04/201217/11/2012

Addicted to Google Earth

I am in my flat. Everything I need to do still needs to be done. My mind is whirring. I have emails to write, bills to pay, friendships to water, work to fret about. Life goals are looming. I can hear the relentless traffic chugging past. This city is too crowded. It is bulging at the seams.

My worries are large. Incessant. Overwhelming. They bind themselves together, morphing into a one big bastard blob. I am suffocating. I need to escape. It is just a few clicks away…OPEN WINDOW.

I am a thousand feet up, floating above my flat. I have broken out of my prison cell, smashed through the walls that encase me. I look down at the building where me and my bastard blob live. It looks tiny. My street is toy town with matchbox cars. I am no longer in ear shot of my mobile phone or my email notifications. I can breathe again.

As I reverse into the sky my inner world starts to disappear as the one around me starts to reveal itself. On the ground you feel boxed in by the concrete surrounding you. In the air you can see why. We live in a maze of our own making.

I am no longer trapped inside my own head. The mental whirring is slowing. I am not looking in. I am looking out. I can see my neighbourhood. I think about all the people living down there in their little boxes the same as me. My worries are already fading. I no longer feel angry.

The din of London is disappearing. The engines, the sirens, the alarms, the voices..all that noise has gone quiet. It is blissful.

A city crammed full of millions of people and I can’t see one of them. Their moans are out of ear shot. Their attitude absent. They are no longer in my face. They have vanished.

One of the busiest cities on Earth now feels still, lifeless. On the ground it never stops. Up here it is motionless. Down there the buildings dwarf you. They enclose you and darken you with their shadows. But from here they are flat, grey, unthreatening.

I can see the edges of a city that never ends. I can see over the prison walls and across to free land. I can see the green growth surrounding my concrete pen. Pushed back by man, but lurking, waiting. Ready to reclaim the land at any given moment.

I see the coast for the first time. I can see the water surrounding our country. I live on an island? Why is that so easy to forget?

The insular perspective of my nationality collapses off the coast, drowning in the surrounding water. There is more. So much more…

…a whole continent emerges, that we are both part of and separated from. Our isolation seems more apparent.

Britain looks small. Insignificant. I can’t hear or see any of its 60 million inhabitants. I am miles in the air. I see a landmass defined by borders that aren’t really there. I feel the flatness disappear as the curvature of the giant sphere I live on starts to reveal itself…

My first glimpse of space. It takes my breath away. It is glorious.

I am floating above the Blue Marble. I am Superman. I am Neo. I look down at my home planet with ethereal ambivalence.

Every scream, every phone ring, every car horn..every noise across the entire planet and nothing but silence. Absolute peace. It is magnificent.

My entire world looks small. I don’t even remember who I am. My problems are non-existent. Even the realisation of my own insignificance is lost in the mass of nothingness that engulfs our minscule planet.

I live on a giant orb locked in a loop around the sun. It is massive and hurtles through space at a vast speed. I MUST not forget this!

On the ground there is no room to move. Out here there is just empty space. Down there is life. Out here is nothingness. I would choke to death in a second. This is no place to live….CLOSE WINDOW.

I am back in my flat. Staring at my computer screen. My thoughts return but I am calmer. More at ease. I can carry on with my day. I wish I could feel the movement of the Earth underneath my feet. Then I would remember where I was and what I was on. I will try to keep this perspective but I know it won’t last long. The whirring will inevitably return..

31/01/201217/11/2012

Reflections of a Technicality – Legal Weed World

I have just come back from California where you can walk in off the street straight into a Kush Doctor’s clinic and as long as you are a Californian resident and can site pretty much any medical condition going they will give you a medical marijuana card for $40. With this card it is state legal to buy, grow and consume marijuana for medicinal purposes, supposedly in order to help alleviate the physical symptoms of said condition.

So if you have pain it is ok to consume, but if you don’t it isn’t. I had to question why suffering was necessary to make it acceptable? Why was an unpleasant physical sensation the difference in making something illegal or not? The effects of the drug are the same as they always were, its just now they’re “tolerated” as side effects to pain relief rather than the main attraction. Allegedly.

The marijuana dispensaries have such innocuous names such as “The California Herbal Relief Center Compassionate Care” and you must always refer to it as medication. But it’s not really medicine, but then neither are any of the prescribed pain killers on the market. A pain killer never cured anyone. They just mask the effects of your condition which remains the same.

How many people use pain relief as a socially acceptable justification for drug consumption (whether it be prescribed pain killers or dispensed marijuana) when in fact it is actually the effect of the drug they are chasing rather than its ability to remove a physical discomfort they already have? In these health obsessed times, pain and suffering have become the only legitimate ticket to indulgence. Even back in Victorian times when you could legally buy heroin and cocaine in Harrods it was still being sold as medication for coughs and colds.

Why is it not acceptable within our society to want the effects just for themselves? Why is that such a terrible thing? For example, which aspect of recreational marijuana use is so offensive its illegality is supported by most of society? Which bit didn’t they approve of? The laughing? The tangential conversations? The unnecessary eating of snacks? Exactly what part of the experience was causing it be viewed as a crime and something that must be stopped?

There are many arguments for and against changing the law on drugs, most of which have been voiced at length from both sides and most of which I won’t go into here for that reason.

The most repeated argument for banning the use of cannabis is that it leads to harder more damaging drugs. For the tiny percentage that do go on to use all-consuming drugs such as heroin and crack illegality is rarely an issue. Those that have a need for oblivion will simply seek out the most potent, effective and available means to get there. The stepping stone(d) is irrelevant.

People also generally choose their poison/potion according to their effect and accessibility rather than their legal status. If you include all dependants of prescription and recreational drugs, alcohol and even junk food, there aren’t that many adults on Earth who aren’t indulging in at least one of them.

But it actually doesn’t matter what people are consuming (illegal or otherwise) because they are all essentially just different routes to the same drug, and that is the one generated inside your body.

All intoxicants serve as no more than to act as catalysts to initiate the deployment of the reward chemical Dopamine into the nervous system. This is, in reality, what everyone is really addicted to and we all just have different methods/substances in order to access it. So does it really matter how you get there?

And is there really any point banning some drugs and not others when they all ultimately send you to the same place? They can’t make dopamine illegal so why block some routes to it when others are always available?

This is why the war on drugs has failed.

Billions spent. Millions incarcerated. Thousands dead. It has all been for nothing. The situation has not changed nor ever will. No matter what they do, it will always exist. People will spend their whole lives searching for a dopamine boost because it is fairly evident we all have a need otherwise we wouldn’t have to seek it out.

We are all Dopamine chasers in some form or another…so what’s the point of suppressing or denying it? Why pretend it will go away when it won’t?

And as the war on drugs has been constantly proven over the last few decades to be utterly futile, why not simply accept failure and try something else? Why indulge a policy that clearly doesn’t, nor will ever work? How many more countless lives have to be ruined and destroyed slavishly following a course of action that has been defined by its inability to have any effect whatsoever other than to make things worse?

Since California has introduced this halfway house legal loophole, drug consumption has not increased and society has not broken down. In contrast their judicial policy over the last decade to incarcerate every druggie they can find, has led to a systematic breakdown of the prison system and brought the state to virtual bankruptcy. Has this hardline approach improved the situation even marginally? No. It has just criminalised people who should never have entered into the prison system in the first place.

Portugal decriminalised all drugs over a decade ago believing it is better to treat than punish. They do not see drug users as criminals to be demonised and incarcerated, and think recreational drug users should be left alone or if they have an addiction should be offered help. It was argued before the implementation of decriminalisation that Portugal would become a drug destination for tourists and drug use would explode among youth. It didn’t. In fact, drug use among adolescents decreased and it has not become the “Club Meth” of Europe. Life strangely carried on just as it did before.

Some of man’s greatest follies have been caused by an inability to deviate from a course of action regardless of its efficacy….

…its time to move forward.

21/12/201117/11/2012

Smiley Happy Soulwaxmassy People

There is nothing more exhilarating than being in a crowd of about 4000 people all having the time of their lives…

Soulwax and co. whipped everyone into a formidable fun frenzy for two barnstormin’ nights at Brixton Academy on Friday & Saturday. Those boys sure know how to throw a Xmas party…and not a mince pie in sight!

Happy Festive business to you all!

See you in 2012…

Mr B x

09/12/201117/11/2012

OCCUPY UBS XMAS PARTY

The Occupy movement is taking place all over the world. Whether you agree with it or not, it is a global phenomena that shows no sign of abatting. Temporary dissent or the beginnings of a pan-continental revolt..its difficult to call. People from different backgrounds, cultures and countries have been galvanised into action because they don’t want empty campaign bullshit politician slogan “Change”…they want ACTUAL change.

The empty UBS in the City has been occupied as part of this movement and re-named the ‘Bank of Ideas’, with lectures, art spaces, and protest workshops now going on in a building that has sat empty for seven years.

To celebtrate their activities and bolster morale they threw their version of a bank xmas party. And 3d from Massive Attack and Thom Yorke from Radiohead turned up to show their support for the protestors and together played a killer set..which was nice.

Like all events of the modern era it was heavily documented…you could barely move without staring down the barrel of an SLR (mine included!)

At first it seemed excessive, especially given the intimate nature of the proceedings but digital documentation is in fact an integral part of this modern movement. The desire and ability to instantaneously show (albeit virtually) to potentially billions what is only being experienced by a small group is fundamental to this cause.

Technology has given local protests global coverage and the scope to spread their experiences and ideas which will in turn inspires others to do the same. Megabite momentum has enabled the masses to mobilize in a way inconceivable before these Internet led times.

This is the very reason it is happening simultaneously across the planet in so many seemingly unconnected places but what’s really connecting people is not technology but shared grievance and the worse things get the more the masses will bond and bind.

But despite its world changing desires and media minded intentions, it was at the end of the day just a kickin party and a perfect moment in time for those present..

Where’s it all heading? Who the fuck knows? As Jim Morrison once so eloquently put it….

“I don’t know what’s going to happen man, but I wanna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames”

Amen.

10/11/201117/11/2012

The Allure of Filmmaking

It seems these days everyone wants to make films. Throw a rock in a Starbucks and chances are you’ll hit someone writing a screenplay. Throw it hard enough and it’ll be one less to worry about. Y outube has shown us the budding filmmaker in almost everyone. Michael Winterbottom’s film A Day in the Life, which consisted of compiled footage from people all over the world on a single day, demonstrated how widespread filming has become. Not that quantity always translates into quality. A quick trawl through the internet confirms that talent is not always apparent. But why does everyone want to do it? What’s driving the desire? It can’t just be to look cool and shout at people, can it? Not that looking cool and shouting at people isn’t enjoyable, of course, but there has to be more to it than that.

Maybe we should look at the “how” first. The answer, quite simply, is digitization. Back in the day, before the world turned digital, if you wanted to make a film you needed lots of people and lots of cash. I made my first short film in 1997. A one day shoot; a full crew. Cost: £5000.00. (Fortunately it was paid for by a production company who had optioned a screenplay I had written otherwise it wouldn’t have happened at all.) It sounds like a lot but that was actually a very reasonable budget for a 10 minute film shot on film (the processing alone was a couple of grand!). W e blagged favours for all the post-production costs (edit, telecine, sound etc.) otherwise it would have cost another £5000. There were about 30 people working on set when we filmed and to this day, I’m still not sure what a lot of them actually did. But in those days there was no other option. And then it all changed. Digital cameras and editing software became affordable and available and suddenly you could go and make a film for next to nothing and have everything you need without having to mount a massive operation at great expense. Sadly the film production company who had my script collapsed under the weight of the owner’s coke habit but I didn’t need anyone anymore … I could do it all myself, so I went off and shot a feature length film on a budget of 200 quid – just because I could.

Digitization brought freedom … and the death of the middle man. The middle man could be anyone that had the key to the cash that would ultimately fund your project. It could be a commissioning editor, a producer, a stupidly rich individual … whoever it was, you would have to get through them before you could get to anyone else. All power resided with them. And if you didn’t have an “in” you were very unlikely to even be able to get them to read your script, let alone get a meeting with them. As W oody Allen put it so perfectly: “Show business is not dog-eat-dog, it’s dog-doesn’t-return-other-dog’s-phone-calls.” The middle man is dead. Long live the creator! Ok, so he’s not quite dead. I know, he is still there and still commanding all the power at the top end of film production, but there is now a booming industry in self-generated films. The advance in camera technology, with machines such as the Canon 5d now available, have allowed filmmakers to go off and shoot cinema-worthy productions on micro budgets without needing the “green light” from a ‘suit’ .

Making up statistics as I go along, let’s assume that for every 1000 scripts written maybe one would be optioned, and for every 1000 scripts optioned maybe one would get made, and for every 1000 films made maybe one would find distribution. I know I have just plucked those figures from thin air, but you get the idea – the chances of anyone seeing your work was slim, at best. And yet now, with a simple click, you can upload your work to be seen by potentially billions.

I like the democracy of the internet. If a film is really good it will get passed around. If it isn’t, it won’t. Simple. Y outube and other web based platforms have allowed filmmakers access to viewing audiences that dwarf most TV and cinema box office figures. The only difference being that, no matter how successful your film is, the chances of you making any money from it are practically zero. But then you have to ask yourself: what you are doing it for in the first place? And so we come back to the “why” . What are you hoping to gain from it? If you want financial reward, the film industry probably isn’t the place to look for it. Y ou’re facing lottery odds. But if you want to produce films and get them to an audience without it costing you an arm and a leg, your time has come. Although I do have a suspicion that a lot of the drive comes from a desire for fame (everyone loves movies and wanting to be a part of that glamour is incredibly appealing in our celeb-led times)

I’d like to think that it’s ultimately about the need to express oneself. In the W erner Herzog film Cave of Forgotten Dreams they uncovered incredible 50,000-year-old cave paintings – a discovery that ably demonstrates how the creative urge has been in man from the very beginning. But I also think the “why” might stem from the fact that we are all seeing the world through different eyes and we feel the need to replicate our own perception in the hope that it will match others. It is a desire to connect … and not to feel so alone in our life experience. If you’re looking for a stint in the spotlight and the adoration of the public you’re probably making films for the wrong reasons. If fame and fortune are the be all and end all for you, go fuck a footballer.

And somewhere among all of this is me. Why am I doing it? What can I say? I feel the need. Do my delusions and desires fit into all the above categories? Most definitely. Do I have a better chance of “making it” than any of the other millions all trying to do the same thing? Probably not. However, I did recently come to the conclusion that the thing I had spent most of my adult life trying to become, I kind of already was. I just hadn’t really realised it. I am still making films and in the immortal words of the Dark Knight:“It’s what you do that defines you.”

Now, get me a skinny soy latte and get a fucking move on!

(This article features in the first ever edition of the magazine “Smack” and is on sale in Rococo’s in Notting Hill and also available on subscription. Please email info@smackonline.com for more details)

01/09/201102/09/2011

Films to watch whilst the world goes to hell in a hand cart

Some old guy died and he made the news for having seen the most films in a lifetime.…and he kept a film diary to prove it. I watch shitloads of films, I thought…I could do that. If only I had started when I was a kid I could have maybe have given this dead guy a run for his money. But rather than lament the ones that got away I started to jot down my viewership from that moment forward , grading all films seen with a 0-5 rating. I am frequently asked for film recommendations and as my memory is not always on hand to provide the required information I figured a list might be quite useful..

That was a year ago. In the last 12 months I have watched just over 200 films…both at home and at the cinema, old and new, first timers and return journeys. I have listed below any film that got a 4 or more (I have starred the ones that got a 5). I would describe all of them as simply “worth seeing”. A film experience can be crushed under the weight of expectation..every time someone bigs up a film beyond all measure you can be fairly sure it will disappoint…

“Oh my god, its like totally amazing…it’s the best film you will EVER see. It is just incredible..you are gonna LOVE it! I guarantee it!”

..but somehow despite the guarantee..you don’t. Mainly cos you spend the whole film going..is this the best film I have ever seen? I don’ think so..even if its great it still can’t match what your impossibly high expectation and is consequently a let down. Its like if you know a film has a great twist you spend the entire film trying to work it out. I actually avoid all reviews and trailers of films I know I want to see…I think the less you know about a film the better…and so I offer these recommendations with a modicum of restraint and have tried to not be overly effusive in my descriptions.

There is also the question of taste. This is indeed just my opinion. It may not be yours. I can’t possibly say that you will love what I love because everyone is different. It also depends how you are feeling at the time and whether you see a film in the cinema or on dvd, or on some dodgy file you downloaded. So I guess what I am politely saying is…don’t shoot the messanger..

I have also included the worst films (1 or less on rating system) I have seen as well as some are so bad they are almost worth seeing. I have to admit I probably watch as many bad films as good ones. I will even go as far as to watch a film just because I have heard it is so bad (revolver, swept away, battlefield earth etc). Strangely it is possible to really enjoy a truly awful film…you’re laughing at them rather than with them..(all bad films are essentially comedies despite their original intention) but you’re still laughing..which is more than can be said for most Hollywood comedies.

The lists are in no particular order other than the order I saw them in..

THE GOOD – lights out, no talking.

Goodbye Lenin – Cool commie comedy. Great premise. Beautifully shot.

Scott pilgrim vs the world – Underrated comic adaptation

Berlin calling – One flew over the cuckoos nest meets human traffic.

Evil Dead II * – Sam Raimi’s magnificent comedy horror. Spectacularly inventive.

Suspiria – Creepy kitch horror. The original black swan

Invasion of the body snatchers – Classic b movie 70s remake. Worth it for the Sutherland scream.

The Wave – Classroom experiment gets out of hand. Hyper-realistic drama

Atlantic City – Lancaster and Sarandon shine in Louis Malle’s superb gambling flick.

Four Lions – Chris Morris hysterically exposes modern terrorist hysteria.

I’m still here – Joaquin Phoenix delivers an incredible performance as himself..or is it? Discuss

Paranoid Park – Teen trauma perfectly captured in this atmospheric tale by Van Sant

Mr and Mrs Smith – Before becoming brangelina they were a cool as fuck assassin couple.

End of the Line – Scary doc about the collapse of the world fisheries.

Exit through the gift shop * – Magnificent mockumentary or documentary? ..you never can quite tell.

California split – A cool and funny Altman adventure from the 70s. He makes it look effortless.

The Social Network – Like this.

The Abyss – James Cameron puts everyone through hell…we get the benefits.

Army of darkness – One man and his chainsaw go on the rampage in medieval times. A joy to watch.

Poltergeist – Spielberg dishes up major frights in this hair-raising 80s horror.

Mash – More 70s Altman (had a mini season). Funny naturalistic satire punches much harder than tv show

Bladerunner * – The ultimate future vision. Faultless and inspirational.

Cronos – Highly original version vampire story by Guillaume del toro

The disappearance of Alice Creed – Low budget brit flick delivers thrills, twists and tension without leaving a room.

Fargo * – I was once accosted by a large bullish drunk man at a party who pointed his finger aggressively at my face and demanded to know..”The Coen brothers..like em or love em?” “Love! Love!” I retorted..which was apparently the right answer as he then hugged me and then chatted about the talented sibling duo…that’s how good they are.

A cock n bull story – Coogan and Brydon bring in the laughs in pre-cursor to The Trip.

Election – Two classic high scool films in one career..Matthew Broderick delivers again. Witherspoon was also never better as the relentless Tracy Flick

Ryan’s daughter – David Lean’s beautiful epic that was panned on release by idiot critics.

Monsters – Low budget monster flick with its own unique feel.

Peeping Tom * – Another masterpiece that was poorly received at the time, fuelled by the prudery of the era.

Martin – George A Romero’s brilliant unknown take on the Vampire genre.

Black Swan – Worth the hype. Scary, beautiful, tense as fuck.

The Reader – Gripping drama beautifully told

Machete – Nuns with guns. Killer nurses. blood, guts and Mexi-cans- Its exploitationtastic!

Young Frankenstein – still brings in the laughs after all these years. All time great parody.

The Medusa Touch – Richard Burton delivers omen style creepiness in this lesser known 7os horror.

Raising Arizona * – Like em or love em? Even in the very beginning there was cause for total adoration of the Coen bros. See Nicholas Cage before he was shite.

Westworld – Sci-fi classic. Genius premise brilliantly executed.

The diving bell the butterfly – Coma cam. Tough viewing but gripping true story

The Hunger – Bowie bites in this stylish vamp story from a young tony scott.

Severance – A great brit horror comedy. Funny and frightening throughout.

Sin Nombre – Gang life in South America. Brutal but beautiful.

Catfish – Facebook frenzy. A very modern fable for our times.

Winter’s bone – Original, gripping, atmospheric thriller. Tension without action.

Into the wild – Haunting and beautiful true travel story. What happens when you leave the modern world…

District 9 – Finally..a completely original new sci-fi. Corker.

Rubber – Killer tyre on the loose…I kid you not.

127 hours – Compelling despite its restricted set-up. Franco’s on a rock. Boyle’s on a roll.

The Misfits – Monroe and Gable lead this class affair directed by John Huston.

The Game – Early Fincher brings home another cracking thriller.

Encounters at the end of the world – The guy with the fingers, insane penguins, bucket heads..everything Herzog does is worth seeing.

Cave of forgotten dreams (3d) – Herzog (see what I mean?) brings understanding to the history of human creativity. Mental conclusion.

Another Year – Mike Leigh mines the trivial and banal obsessions of regular folk for poignant yet painful drama.

Animal kingdom – Disturbing Aussie crime story that never lets go of claustrophobic tension

Unthinkable – Gripping hardcore terrorist thriller that forces you to think for yourself.

The Driver – Cool 70s driving movie with Ryan O’Neil.

Black Dynamite – Seriously funny and very authentic parody of blaxploitation movies

The Class – A French classroom becomes a battleground. Everyone loses.

Submarine – A homage to films we don’t make anymore but definitely an argument for their resurrection.

Super 8 – Spielberg’s influence is all over this modern sci-fi but its all the better for it.

Enter the void – A modern mental masterpiece. Hardcore. Not for the feeble.

Rise of the planet of the apes – A reboot with a genuine purpose. Great addition to the franchise.

Lebanon – Tank cam. Submerses you inside the action. Makes The hurt locker look like Pearl Harbour.

The Skin that I live in – Can Almodovar do no wrong? A b movie with a killer punch.

THE BAD- I want those hours back!

Mega Piranha – Bad on all fronts. 80s wash up Tiffany sets the standard. Laughed throughout.

Sky High – Gives Superheroes a bad name. Gut wrenchingly bad.

The Expendables – Cringeworthy dialogue from washed up 80s stars full of surgery and steroids

Dreamscape – Inception stole its plot but the filmmakers lost the plot in this waste of space sci-fi with dennis quaid.

The dukes of hazard – Worse than you can possibly imagine and I imagine that’s quite bad.

Dorian Gray – Pitifully inept.

Deadfall – Features one of the greatest over the top performances by Nic Cage. Atrocious

The Box – Richard Kelly proves Donnie darko was a fluke. Piss poor.

Che – The most boring overlong film I have ever seen – and that was just part 1!

X-files – I want to believe – I want to forget.

Alien Autopsy – Good premise. Diabolical execution. Ant and dec star and aren’t the worst things in it!

Law-abiding Citizen – Gerard Butler is ridiculous in this excrutiating mess of a movie.

The A-team – So painful we had to switch off. Avoid like your life depended on it.

Prince of Persia – Miscast. Misdirected. Please miss.

Driven – An utter joke from start to finish..line. Stallone stinker.

Hell Ride – So unbelievably bad its kinda worth seeing. Worst dialogue ever (see fanboy spoofs on film page)

Tron Legacy – The worst of the reboots. Meaningless.

The Green hornet – Has no idea what sort of film it wants to be and fails at all of them.

Chronicles of Riddick – Vin diesel shows how to make a sci-fi stinker that is eye-wateringly shite.

Limitless: – A monkey could have done better with the reasonably decent premise.

THE UGLY – (not exactly recommendations..more like warnings)

The human centipede – Eye-watering. highly original. Scares galore. Definitely not for the faint-hearted.

Salo – Shocking, disturbing and fairly digusting. Not designed for a delicate constitution…

Hobo with a shotgun – vile and pretty repulsive throughout. Not a pleasant experience. It was supposed to be funny. It wasn’t.

and there you have it…if you’re looking for things to watch you could do worse…that’s all I’m saying.

21/07/201117/11/2012

Festival Season

We came, we saw, we got muddy…

THE ROCKABILLY RAVE – 17th to 19th June

I’ve moshed with indie rockers in the pit, I’ve worshipped with ravers at the church of dance, I’ve stomped with the ska crowd..but I’ve never been in a scene as cool as the rockabillys..

They’re the best dressed crowd…ever and with the greatest dance moves I’ve ever seen..

and by far the coolest wheels..

There were basically 4000 Rockabillies at Pontins in Camber Sands..and us. Apart from the follically challenged I was the only guy there without a super dooper quiff and we were the only couple on the dancefloor that danced solo freestyle..not to be contrary …we just didn’t know the moves..

I accidentally went dressed as a mod on the first night but fortunately the days of mods and rockers fighting are well over..lucky really cos the fellahs look like a tough bunch..all neck tattoos and big fists..

It was the closest I have ever got to time travel because apart from the odd mobile phone there was nothing to show we were anywhere other than 1957.

The clothes, the cars..even the location..Pontins is a total relic from yesteryear and matched perfectly. If you crossed a council estate with a holiday resort you’d get Pontins…

..although why you’d want to is another matter..

What really freaked me out is that not only did everyone’s outfits, hair, cars etc seem like they had stepped straight out of the 50s but when you looked at them, even their faces matched that era. I don’t really know how that is possible but maybe a genetic throwback to a previous generation had altered their very DNA to make them pure Rockabilly..

What I loved most was the that the age of the crowd varied from 17 to 70+.

There was no ageist exclusion. All generations were present, bonded by the love of a music that originated over 50 years ago and still going strong..

..with great new bands making the scene feel fresh and current despite its retro nature…

the best band we saw were the Caezars..just incredible….and they were just about old enough for their Grandparents to have been in nappies when Rockabilly was created..

We went to the R.R to check out the scene but we were also there on a serious track finding mission for our dj set and it has to be said, without a shadow of doubt the most enjoyable way to buy records I will ever experience..we would rock away on the dancefloor and if a killer song came on, we would just go up to the dj, find out what it was, then go to the record stall at the back and buy it..mission accomplished!

The rockabillys take their scene very very seriously. ..they are authentic to the nth degree. We were just tourists. Maybe next year we’ll get the clothes and the hair doos and the moves..but I have to say, it looks like a shit load of work..

A note to festival goers..staying in chalets at a festival is superb..it rained the entire time and didn’t make a shit of a difference..

GLASTONBURY – 25th – 27th June

Glastonbury is like giving birth..you don’t remember how horrifically painful it is until you are back there again..(no, I haven’t given birth but if its anything like Glastonbury..)

It is advisable to be on your best physical form when tackling Glasto. We weren’t. Still on recovery from the Rockabilly Rave the weekend before it was always going to be a struggle. Glasto is beyond brutal..a Godzilla sized beast..it will chew you up and spit you out like the insect you are..you cannot fight it, you cannot beat it, the only thing you can do is roll with it..and get wasted.

It cannot be done sober. Do not attempt it..it will break you in two. The only hope you’ve got is to stagger around, anaethetized by your own chosen brand of whatever and give yourself over completely.

Glasto is a ying yang equation. There is a direct correlation between the amount of pain and hardship you endure and the amount of pleasure you will have. For some reason you cannot have one without the other. It’s a shame but I don’t think there is a way round it. I just wish it was just a little bit easier but then I guess the pay off wouldn’t be the same..

Why is it so hard?

(this is normal terrain for Glastonbury..)

I have never been to war but I imagine its pretty similar..just with more music.

You spend most of day 1 going never again and by the end you are planning your return visit. Annoyingly it is all worth it. It also toughens you up and stops you being such a prissy moany woany lily livered latte drinking city dweller. From moments of arriving you are caked in mud and up to your knees in shit…literally at times.

Its like a going on a survival trek through a post-apocalyptic mud town armed only with your choice of poison bubbling around inside you..

Not selling it? I would actually advise everyone to go once..it has the best of every music on planet earth and the atmosphere and crowd are the best you will ever find at any festival in the world..

Everyone is just there to party and see their favourite bands and nothing will come in their way..

..not the mud, not the rain, not the 177,000 other people barging in to you, not the Stewards who send you on 3 hour detours, not the 6 hours it takes you to drive back to London, not the comedown after which will have you in tears for a week..but I will say this…it is not for the faint -hearted.

Oh yeah, did I mention..we dj’ed at Glastonbury?

Yep, that was pretty fucking cool.…

Thank you Emily for inviting us to play at your magnificent Bimble Inn and for making us part of the Glasto experience..no matter what happens they will never be able to take that away from us…

Oh, and we also managed to end up dancing on stage with Kool and the Gang…which was nice. I texted my brother from the stage and he saw us on the telly..a sweet end to the weekend.

TINCASTOCK – 2nd July.

A little known boutique festival in its first and possibly last year set in one of the greatest places I have been to a party at. (thank u Sarah P) We did a six hour set and it was a joy, our music wafted over the English countryside as we looked out to what can only be described as an idyllic view..we even got ourselves a couple of fans..(well Karey did at any rate..)

Jake (9): “Why are there two cds playing at the same time?”

IBIZA – 5th-9th July

When we first went to Ibiza a couple of years ago I was introduced to the owner of DC10 (club) who is basically Mr Ibiza and I was telling him how great I thought it all was and he tells me quite plainly that I’m five years too late…

A couple of nights later we are in the club Space and there is a dwarf off his head who gets up on a podium and starts rocking out. The crowd love it but the security guards pull him down and then I realise what Mr DC10 meant.. .the day you’re pulling a mashed up dancing dwarf off a podium something has gone wrong. Ibiza is not what it was. The free-spirited hedonism has gone and has been replaced by a seriously corporatized and highly organized version. Its now predominantly for the rich Euro trash crowd who are happy to pay 60 euros to get into a nightclub.

Personally I don’t know how anyone can be happy with that..if I was going to pay 60 euros into a nightclub I would want free everything brought to me all night and someone to carry me to the loos…and my own podium..and some adoring fans..and maybe a cool hat..

But most people in there seem to have been glad to cough up the reddies just to be seen on the scene…

..and admired…

..or so they thought…

A lot of the hedonists have been replaced by narcissists, the music lovers replaced by the money men but it is still an incredible place where you can have a phenomenal time…

It is after all an island almost entirely devoted to clubbing and if you’ve got a few “ins” you can enjoy the proceedings without breaking the bank. Fortunately we did (thank you David) but most are paying through the nose…in more ways than one by the looks of things.

Is it worth it? I guess it depends if you can afford it.

Ibiza is a really beautiful place with some stunning beaches and you can seriously party your ass off without going near a superclub…which is what a lot of people are doing. We had a blast in our Himilayan retreat up in the hills (thank you Conor) and although the way down was a bit bumpy, well worth it.

LOVEBOX – Sunday 17th July

A London festival with a great atmosphere, great crowd and great music..Wireless..take note.

The rain turned it into a mud pit but no-one seemed to care.

By the time we got there at 4pm everyone was seriously on their way…

Had a superb dance at the Circus tent (festival version of great London club night with great intended pun) with “yeah but no but” lookey likey Jodie harsh blasting our corker dance tunes.

Just caught the very end of Marc Almond’s set but he appeared an extremely happy camper (no pun intended).

A lifelong dream was realised when we saw Blondie. Even today Debbie Harry is still cool as fuck.

Debbie Harry pictured here before and after make-up (just kiddin Debs..)

She inspired generations of impersonators but was never bettered. The crowd sung their hearts out to every massive hit. There was a serious amount of love in the park for the Peroxide queen.

..ran into some very interesting characters along the way..

..whose attire was a little more flamboyant than your usual festival go-ers..

And I even had a face to face with Pete Burns…as my friend Marc noted..his face is a work of art..just not necessarily one you would want up in your living room..

And Beth Ditto seemed to have got confused over who was guarding who..

Caught half of Scissor sisters set which got the crowd geared up for the phenomenal 2 manyDjs finale which whipped up a storm and brought the day to a fantastic and uplifting end..although no-one was quite ready to go home..

As I looked around at everyone jumping up and down and dancing like their life depended on it as the sun set and night fell, I questioned why the music festival has become so big and I realised that rather than being something new, we were involved in the most ancient of human practise. Back to pagan times and beyond, the need and desire to shake it loose in nature has been an integral part of our species expression.

It has maybe been with us since the beginning..since the first hairy ancestor bashed a bone repeatedly against a rock and everyone gathered around to move to the beat…we are dancing to the rhythm of our own hearts and the pulse of the planet beneath our feet..maybe it is only when we are actually standing in a field on actual earth that we can genuinely feel the connection.

After 5 rather large weekends in a row I think I might need a rest now..and a brain implant.